Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
