I'm drive I can fine osifer
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
