Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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