One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
