8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
