Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
third nipple confirmed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
