dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
