Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize