wrigley field is MILF paradise
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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