I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
