just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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