I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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