4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
