I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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