last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
