fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
