definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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