everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
