Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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