We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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