I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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