weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
apparently the secret to your success is patron
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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