GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
