Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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