her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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