you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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