I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize