fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
