I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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