someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
