it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
