The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Randomize
