whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
