Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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