my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
