Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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