one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
