fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
