he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
