my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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