It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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