this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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