Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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