90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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