I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
