They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
