Swine flu. Run for my life!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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