i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
