apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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