I skipped work to stalk him.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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