im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
