LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
