fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
