i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize